Ryan T. Pugh

The 'T' stands for Humour

The Christmas Speech


Oggy oggy oggy.

Just a very quick one this year (wahey). I almost didn’t write anything – you’ll soon wish I hadn’t – but then realised that, if I didn’t make a token effort, then I’d have broken my seven-year streak of publishing Christmas blogs. And nobody wants that to happen. Right?

But why, I hear you weep, have I been so slack on the blog-writing front since the release of my dozen-selling masterpiece, Semi-Professional Writer, in September? Well, if you’ll stop crying for a minute and let me explain, it’s because I’m writing a Christmas book. And I can’t go about peppering the internet with excerpts from it when tisn’t the season. Now, I’m as big a Christmas fan as any, but I’m also one of those pudding-faced old duffers who believes the festivities begin in December and conclude on the twelfth night. However, now tis undeniably the season (i.e. December), I’ve been so busy penning the new book that I haven’t had any time to write a special stand-alone blog. All I’ve done is gift you this hastily concocted mess. And, like the Lynx Africa shower gel & deodorant double gift-set that silently awaits your unwrapping, that’s all you’re getting.

I decided to call this piece a ‘Christmas Speech’ as, according to the television listings, the Queen’s Speech isn’t on TV this year. Instead, the ol’ gal’s festive ramble has a host of different names: the stately BBC One call it The Queen’s Christmas Broadcast; ITV call it HM The Queen, making it sound like one of their made-for-TV thrillers starring Patrick Stewart (never trust a man with two Christian names) and Robson Green (never trust a man with two surnames); Sky One fawningly call it The Queen’s Christmas Message; and Channel 5 call it World’s Strongest Man: Heats. What none of the channels call it is a ‘Speech’. This must be down to the heads of each station having a distinct lack of faith in the average spam-headed Great Briton to be enticed to watch something with as dour a word as ‘Speech’ in its title. HM The Queen, on the other hand…

That’s it. Told you it would be short, didn’t I? If I don’t see you between now and next year, have a truly tremendous Christmas. Enjoy all twelve days of it. Don’t fall into the trap of shutting up shop once the day itself is done. Watch telly, lounge around and force-feed yourself continental cheeses for as deep into the season as is financially viable.

See you next year, when all will be well, as it always is, give or take a few mishaps.

Love and obscene affection,

Ryan xx


All of Ryan T. Pugh’s books can be bought direct (and signed) from his online bookshop here or on Amazon

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